Blessed when I don't see but believe

Recently there have been some programs on NatGeo and in the news that have called into question the accounts of Jesus' birth and of King David's reign and kingdom.

Did his birth really happen in December?
How big was King David's actual kingdom?

Prior to becoming a Christ follower, I did a little research into a few different religions and I came across a 2 volume set called "Evidence that Demands A Verdict". What I remember from those books is that what cannot be called into question are the extra-biblical accounts that a man named Christ lived and was crucified under the reign of Pontus Pilot and that he had a ton of followers, who, to this day, proclaim His basic tenants of faith, all of which affirms the Biblical accounts.

As years go by, various artifacts and remains of antiquity continue to be found and only serve to strengthen Biblical accounts. But what I find fascinating as a Christ follower today is that for some reason, I'm not shaken by these reports on NatGeo and the 5 o'clock news. I mean, scientists had to downgrade a planet a few years ago, one I was convinced existed in planetarian form all of my growing up years, for crying out loud!! So Scientists get new information, "Scientific facts" are changed too. I trust scientific work (most of the time) until the next report comes out! People can't make up their mind if coffee is good or bad for you and both have a long list of reasons supporting their argument. I find it all quite interesting!

I love evidence, research and facts. I planned to go to law school and be a lawyer, until I came to my senses! But seriously, I'm not downplaying the need for apologetics in Biblical Faith. I absolutely love it. Ravi Zacharias is an author and speaker who is one of my favorite men to listen to. What I am raising as just as important is the very real and powerful impact of the living God working in the human heart. Of this I have no doubt. This heart has been absolutely transformed and continues to undergo surgery almost every day under the gentle but powerful hands of her creator and Lord, Jesus Christ.

And Jesus, who was either a liar, lunatic or the LORD (if you read in "Evidence that Demands A Verdict", the author brings this forth in a thought provoking way), said, "Blessed are those who believe but have not yet seen." No, not yet have I seen the face of God. And yet, I have. I've seen His miracles in my life and I've evidenced His power.

So if I find out, through various sources that he was actually born in April instead of December, who cares? The point is - He was born. What are we going to do about it? All the words He spoke were weighty and penetrate the soul. They require a response. Maybe that's why scholars work so hard to find something that would mar or taint this man or other Biblical accounts. Then no response is required if it's all a load of crock. And Yet, He claimed He wants to be LORD of your heart. Either that or He is a liar, a lunatic? So He was born, whether in April or December, it may not be fully clear. Whether a cave or a house manger is not clear either. But He was born. He was born and now I live - I've felt and seen His powerful love transform and mold my hard heart.

And as for me and the rest of my days, I want to continue to respond. Yes, I want to hear and observe the reports, research the facts and look at the evidence. But I also want Him to continue to change my heart. Forever grateful that He already has and will continue to work in me until I see Him face to face. Until then, "blessed are you who have not seen and yet believe."

http://www.crosswalk.com/who-is-jesus/

Make us holy more than happy

In Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage, he writes:

"What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? … Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life … Whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savor of Christ."

That's my prayer in marriage - that James and I will enjoy a closer walk with the Lord together and cultivate a spiritual integrity in our lives that seasons the world around us.

And as every good Catholic knows how to pray "Lord, here our prayer. Amen :)"

Leave and Cleave

For several years, I've had the opportunity to perfect personal independence. I've had a massive amount of liberty to do what I want, to come and go with guidance from God....but as I please.

That being said, I've also had the opportunity to learn how to live in community, in the tandem of doing life with other like-minded people who choose to hold one another accountable and forsake some natural freedoms for the sake of cultivating authentic, Christ-centered relationships.

Although our American culture breeds fierce independence, I'm convinced there is a way to remain interdependent within relationships .....and one way includes the marriage relationship.

When you are single, you can be devoted in community and still hold onto the liberty to pick and choose to what level of intimacy and vulnerability you remain engaged in. I guess you can do that in marriage too, but wouldn't you be miserable? I'm not saying that's good or bad. It is what it is. But in the crux of living where independence meets interdependence, I'm thinkin' the marriage relationship is the epitome of learning humility and authentic love.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

One flesh. Hmmmm. That's a significant blow to personal independence. What happens when a man and woman come together in marriage? Obviously we know how babies are made but what I mean is this.....Is marriage just a functional union or is there something much more dynamic taking place behind closed doors? Something spiritual, like a baptism in character development with the closest human being to you? Well, what happens to some of that independence is obvious. You're now living in tandem with one other flawed, very "human" human being who has just as many needs, desires, flaws and strengths as you do. Selfishness probably shows its ugly head when you least expect it and learning to live in authentic love becomes part of the life journey.

Honestly, I'm excited about that! I'm excited about joining my life to one man for a lifetime. I'm sure it's bound to have it's challenges but what about the joys and the blessings of that intimate companionship? What about two individuals who desire to love and honor God together? I think it will be a beautiful thing in the midst of being a sudden blow to independence...So I'm excited to find out how to do it with the love of my life.

A tender heart

CS Lewis said it well....

"Give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

And it was penned by the authors of Scripture to keep your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the abundance of life.

A few weeks ago when James and I were praying, He prayed for a tender heart. Over the past few weeks I've thought about the state of my heart and how I echo that prayer with him. A heart that is capable of being penetrated, broken, changed by grace is ultimately a heart that is capable of being redeemed. The God of the Universe was humble enough to get His heart broken for the healing of the world and He can keep my heart close to His and redeem me from this world's affect on my life and my heart. He can keep my heart but I have to give it to Him again and again, no matter what I go through in this life. He is bigger than my heart and all it's emotions too.

Winter Cleaning

In the past, Spring and Winter cleaning at my place of residence has always been a part of the yearly ritual. It feels fantastic to get rid of things and get organized. Since my return from Hungary, my stuff has been packed away in a storage unit nearby. I still had an itch for Winter cleaning so I decided to clean out the unit and figure out what I have in there. It's been great to get rid of whatever I can! Love that feeling that one man's junk is another man's treasure!!

I realized I've kept a library of books that I haven't looked at again in several years. I'm thinking about giving them away. Just not sure where and how to post what I've got so people can take them. I'll have to work on that.

One of my biggest treasures has been the rediscovery of old, personal journals. Wow! Talk about revealing.....

The messages I heard on Sunday, my thoughts throughout the week, the people I was spending time with, notes from books I was reading, and my perspective on various guys who were pursuing at the time. Soooooo interesting. I guess I've had more suitors than I cared to remember. Ha!

Some of my journals talk about what it means to be a woman of character, word studies I was doing at the time. As I spent time reading through these old journals, areas in my heart that have been cluttered or cloudy found refreshment and renewal in the words penned in these flimsy little journals stuffed away in a storage unit.

Maybe this Winter cleaning didn't just happen in the storage unit. I think some things were going on in my heart too - a Winter cleaning of sorts!

No doubt

My sister took this picture recently while in Washington. Capturing these kinds of cascading moments in the sky leave no doubt in my mind that God is real. His light, His ways, His essence is bursting through my darkness, my self-absorbed ways, my essence - and that's a beautiful thing!

spurgeon again

"Much alone, and you will have much assurance; little alone with Jesus, your religion will be shallow, polluted with many doubts and fears, and not sparkling with the joy of the Lord. Since the soul-enriching path of prayer is open to the very weakest saint; since no high attainments are required; since you are not bidden to come because you are an advanced saint, but freely invited if you be a saint at all; see to it, dear reader, that you are often in the way of private devotion."

I'm actually frustrated at myself these days for allowing so many other things to become priority over my alone time with Jesus. I know that when I spend quality time behind closed doors with my Bible, journal, worship music in the background, I'm never disappointed. Nothing replaces the quiet calm that comes over the heart of a Christ-follower when His words speak into the deepest crevices of the soul. And I find in times like these when I am sluggish in devotion that my soul craves heavenly words after getting just a taste. It's my carnal flesh that desires other things.

As Spurgeon writes,

"Few Christians understand it, they live in the lowlands and seldom climb to the top of Nebo... At a distance they see the sacrifice... But, reader, sit thou ever under the shadow of Jesus; come up to that palm tree, and take hold of the branches thereof; let thy beloved be unto thee as the apple-tree among the trees of the wood, and thou shalt be satisfied as with marrow and fatness. O Jesus, visit us with Thy salvation!"

This is my prayer this Christmas. I want to be visited by the mighty God, the one who was humble enough to come as baby Jesus first. I'd rather not have a faith like Will Farrel's who prays to little baby Jesus who has no power. I want that living active faith working in my soul. I know what I need to do. Lord, help me carve out the time and do it!!

Is my way hidden?

Recently I've found myself growing weary of pain and suffering in the world. From close friends going through it to people I don't even know but hear about in the news facing painful, dark, discouraging things, I'm just kind of over it!

Maybe I just do better not living in reality because the truth of the matter is that this life is filled with things that are painful and suck. And yet you have a moment like this past week when the value of human life and the good things in this life are highlighted as the 33 Chilean men were rescued from a hole 3 miles down. So we rejoice (I even got teary-eyed) with a man who helped lead and organize them through this crisis. And that's the value of life.

I'm sure those men wondered, especially in the first few weeks when no one knew they were alive, if their way was hidden, if they would be left, forgotten, disregarded.

And sometimes here on earth, don't people wonder that? Where is God in the midst of pain? Have we been left, forgotten, disregarded? Does He know what people are going through? Why doesn't He fix it?

As a believer, hard times and hard things don't shake my faith in Christ or cause me to question His goodness or His sovereignty. Instead it creates a very deep longing for Him to come back and make all things right, as He promised that He'd do. It's not that He's powerless to do it now. He IS working, His kingdom IS advancing, but all this work is taking place in our hearts and in unseen places. Things we only get glimpses of but one day it will all become clear, the final scene in life, when the curtains are pulled back and all of us see what it's all about.

The works that Jesus worked were in our hearts and this is how it is today. Even when Jesus was alive, people wanted him to be the political leader. But he made it clear that this world was not his kingdom. The Kingdom of God would be within us, in our hearts. He's after our heart, ALL of it. I long for that day when He comes back and personally wipes tears from eyes and make all things right. For now we live in that "pause" of history where a lot of unseen things are taking place.

And the interesting thing is whatever pain or suffering you are experiencing, Jesus is familiar with it more than anyone else. Each heart knows its own bitterness...but He sticks closer than a best friend or brother. He is working in our hearts and our lives, even through painful things. I still don't get it, but I guess I don't have to. And when I get weary of all the pain, I remember that He is strong. He is good. He is working, even when I cannot see it.

I just read in Isaiah 40:27-31
"Why do you say O Jacob and complain O Israel, my way is hidden from the Lord. My cause is disregarded by my God. Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God and the creator of the ends of the earth. HE will not grow tired and weary and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not faint."

Meat for the soul

These days I haven't found the kind of time I most enjoy to sit and read for hours, soaking in truth. Although time seems to be non-existent to pursue the things I most enjoy (reading, soaking in good words, working out consistently), I still find my heart and soul renewed with strength and joy at the most opportune times.

Take this a.m. Absolutely exhausted, my body longed for more time in bed. In the midst of this, I felt the presence of my Creator and King calling me to muster out of bed with a heart of joy.

Reading Charles Spurgeon this Morning brought a lot of insight too...

Psalm 149:2
Let Israel rejoice in him.

Our hearts can be glad because of Him no matter what we face. But we should be careful that our spring, our well of joy comes from Him and not that myriad of other things that are not authentic. "God my exceeding joy." We can be glad that He reigns, that He is King, that He sits upon the throne, and rules, even when we cannot see how. As Spurgeon wrote,

"Every attribute of God should become a fresh ray in the sunlight of our gladness. That He is wise should make us glad, knowing as we do our own foolishness. That He is mighty, should cause us to rejoice who tremble at our weakness. That he is everlasting, should always be a theme of joy when we know that we wither as the grass. That He is unchanging, should perpetually yield us a song, since we change every hour. That He is full of grace, that He is overflowing with it, and that this grace in covenant He has given to us; that it is ours to cleanse us, ours to keep us, ours to sanctify us, ours to perfect us, ours to bring us to glory-all this should tend to make us glad in Him. This gladness in God is as a deep river; we have only as yet touched its brink, we know a little of its clear sweet, heavenly streams, but onward the depth is greater, and the current more impetuous in its joy. The Christian feels that he may delight himself not only in what God is, but also in all that God has done in the past. The Psalms show us that God's people in olden times were wont to think much of God's actions, and to have a song concerning each of them."

Last night after Perspectives class, a group of students stuck around at Multnomah and sang worship songs. I thought that was pretty cool and would have stayed too if I didn't have to rush back to Carson with my mom.

It's good to worship. It's good to find time for joy and to draw upon the deep well of our Salvation. It is deeper than we know, this faith that we hold precious. It's richer than we've even begun to taste. Don't lose sight of that!

Eventful day

For the past several weeks, my schedule has been non-stop from early morning to late at night. This entire week I cherished the thought that Saturday would FINALLY be my day to rest and recover from an exhausting schedule.

Looking forward to something so simple yet so refreshing helped me get through some of the more exhausting moments this past week. I kept thinking about a long leisurely Saturday morning moment to myself.

It's one of the things I love to do most. Sit in bed with a cup of coffee and a stack of books to read. Most people don't have the luxury of doing this often enough but it's one of the things I treasure most, especially on a Saturday morning. I can't even remember the last time I've been able to do that!

After waking up with sheer delight at my first few sips of the french press coffee I made, I grabbed my bible thinking "ahhhh, I am just going to savor this." I read in Luke 5:16 that Jesus OFTEN withdrew to lonely places to pray. Yep. I was excited. This would be my morning too. Quiet, prayerful, full of rest.

.....or not.

I was torn away from that place to get the first text from North Carolina.

"Jen! Very disturbing email from your address supposedly coming from you that you got mugged in London and need money. Didn't sound like you but let me know."

And they just kept coming! Facebook messages, texts, calls, skype. All morning long and well into the afternoon. Friends, family, acquaintances.

I guess I should look at it this way. I know I'm loved. HIGHLIGHT of this debacle for me was a skype call with Peter who is now in Sweden! We haven't talked for months! It was wonderful to hear about his adventures and that Nori would be following from Hungary soon! I sure do miss my European friends.

The hacker cleared out all my contacts and all my emails so I couldn't send an email to anyone letting them know it was a hoax. I don't even know all the people it was sent to! (If it was sent to you, I hope you didn't send any money!)

What made me most angry was the fact that people have given towards missions ventures in the past. The thought of some hacker actually succeeding in this hoax got me a little worked up, especially when I got a call from a man whose been a partner of mine in ministry for years and was going to send money.

I did my best today to send out a mass email but I know I didn't reach everyone. I reported the email and hacking to gmail. I truly hope no one fell for that hoax.

Now it's Saturday night and I'm back in that place that I started at this morning. I'm going to repeat the first part of the morning. I even made another french press coffee. I have my stack of books and I'm ready to read.

Not sure what that randomness was all about, but I'm thankful for the people in my life calling, texting, facebooking to make sure I wasn't mugged. Not mugged but definitely bugged by this whole situation. Hopefully its over!

I will exalt you

This morning I've got the song "I Will Exalt You" by Hillsong on replay. Over and over and over again. Getting those lyrics deep within my soul. Nothing else matters in his world. He is everything. Sung with strength, conviction and truth, I find myself and my soul lifted beyond the confines of this world. Thank you Jesus for being so very real.

I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

Chorus:
My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure Lord You are
My friend and King
Anointed One
Most Holy.

Verse 2:
Because YouÂ’re with me
Because YouÂ’re with me
Because YouÂ’re with me

I will not fear

The tongue has the power of life and death

This morning I found myself considering a truth that Christ-followers believe about God and the Universe. God's word was powerful enough to speak the world into existence. Things that were not yet formed were created out of nothing and the world as we know it was made because God spoke.

I know there are scientific facts behind this, but what caught my attention this morning as I pondered this truth is that when it all comes down to matter, substance, even our physical bodies, God spoke it into existence.

For some that might cause great consternation. For me, my soul is deeply encouraged! There's a story in the Bible of a man who wanted Jesus to heal his servant but it would have been a journey. This man had faith in God's word. He said to Jesus "Only speak the word, and my servant shall be healed."

When God speaks through His word, through His people, through the majestic sunsets and natural formations, my soul finds peace and strength too. My soul is healed. I need God to speak again and again, to infuse courage (encouragement) into my soul almost daily. The good thing is that He's always speaking. Am I listening?

If we are made in His image, then our words are powerful too, both to harm and to heal. We have the ability to bring life and courage (encouragement) to those we love through the power of what we say and don't say.

I'm a big fan of the book "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman. If you've never heard of it, it basically looks at different ways people give and receive heartfelt love. The book calls out five ways that most people give and receive love - through gifts, quality time, physical touch/affection, acts of service, and words.

I know how much the words of others mean to me and when I consider that Proverbs 18;21 says our words have power to bring life or death, wow! I can't discount the power of encouragement. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is an encouraging word. Who can you encourage today? Although everyone might be affected differently by words, there is life in your tongue. Everyone needs it.

This morning parts of Psalm 37 found its way into my soul and infused a sense of life and strength to get through the day. My favorite part this morning was verse 7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;" His word strengthens, heals, guides, protects us and keeps us on a course of good things. I'm thankful this morning that He chose to speak the world into existence. I'm thankful that He speaks through His son Jesus. And I'm thankful that He speaks today and every day words of life that my soul so desperately craves.

This morning I read a devotional on Proverbs that I thought I'd share with you. I find it fascinating that scientists would look foolish if they didn't adhere to the foundational laws that govern the world. Good point. There's an integrity built into the fabric of the earth and as this author says "the universe was made for the same thing we are made for - righteousness!" Hmmmmm. I'll be chewing on that one all day!!

"For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her" (Proverbs 8:11)

"We continue with the thought that another aspect of wisdom is integrity. Both the universe and we are alien to untruth and dishonesty. The universe is made for the same thing we are made for - righteousness. Not only the face of the Lord, but the face of the universe, is set against those who try to go some other way. No scientist can get very far without integrity. If he tampers with the laws that govern the universe, then he comes out looking foolish. He must sit down before the facts of the universe, and if he is to be successful, whatever he does has to be based on a prior commitment to honor and truthfulness. Without integrity, all learning becomes evil. Charles Spurgeon wrote to the then Prime Minister of Britain, William Gladstone, in these words: "You do not know how those of us regard you who feel it a joy to live when a Prime Minister believes in righteousness. We believe in no man's infallibility but it is restful to be sure of one man's integrity." What makes us so suspicious of politicians, even though politics can be a noble profession, is not that they might make some mistakes, but that sometimes staying in office is more important to them than honor and candor. Henry Clay, when about to introduce to the American Congress a bill that was heavily weighted in favor of morality, was told, "If you do this, it will kill your chances of becoming president." His reply was, "I would rather be right than be president." I can almost see King Solomon's head nodding in favor of that.

Charles Spurgeon once wrote
"There is no light in the planet but that which proceedeth from the sun; and there is no true love to Jesus in the heart but that which cometh from the Lord Jesus himself."

It's a miracle to me that my life is turning out the way it has. One thing I know for sure. I love Him because He first showed me a kind of love unmatched by anything I'd ever imagined. And one taste of that love sends you reeling into the abyss of a love blessing.

"I love thee, Lord, but with no love of mine,
For I have none to give;
I love thee, Lord; but all the love is thine,
For by thy love I live.
I am as nothing, and rejoice to be
Emptied, and lost, and swallowed up in thee."

King of your castle?

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.
Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Mohandas Gandhi

So much of what I find in my heart every day reveals the absolute need for a Savior. Gandhi assented to Christ's teachings, His lifestyle. And that's easy to do, to call him a "good man". But when He comes inside your heart and becomes King of your castle, He has full authority to re-arrange the furniture, to clean out cluttered closets, to get rid of old pictures and trinkets you've had and kept from previous lovers. He truly is King and this requires yielding again and again to His power working in your life. Sometimes that's not easy, especially when you selfishly want what you want. But more than an acquaintance or someone you see from a distance, as Gandhi may have, when Christ is King of your heart, there is a love that overflows in thanksgiving too. Because you realize, sort of like Extreme Home Makeover, that you could never afford to do it on your own.

"Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me." - Saint Patrick

Sunrise/Sunset

Ever been captivated by a sunrise or a sunset? I can't help but stand in awe when I see one, but its usually only a minute or two before I'm on my way again, busy with the day's events.

My favorite sunsets and sunrises take place near the Ocean. What an incredible, majestic sight! There have been times I've wished to live in the brilliance of its beauty for longer than the few moments it takes place. But soon the clouds shift, day breaks or the sun goes down and it's gone. A brilliant moment, repeated daily. Every day the sun rises and the sun sets. At different times and places all over the world. And each sunrise and sunset looks a little bit different. Isn't that amazing? That's amazing to me!

I once heard someone say that God is the greatest artist, shown in how He paints the sky for us every day. I believe it. I believe He is a skilled craftsman. Think about the intricacies of the body. Think about the vast number of plants, animals, flowers that this world contains - all unique, all with a different look, sound, function.

Every single sunrise and every single sunset is God's uniquely painted picture of His character, His beauty. Whether we choose to recognize it or not, our days and nights are capsulated inside that beauty and that character. Ever think of that?

How easy it is to go about the day and not stop long enough to recognize the Creator and sustainer of all life. God is not those things we see like the sunrise or an animal but He has created them in this world we live in and they speak. They tell a story of His goodness. When I do stop long enough to consider that, I realize He is so incredibly worthy of my attention! He speaks through the things that are visible. His invisible reality is seen in these visible things. He is not those things, but He uses them to tell us a story of His goodness. Are we reading it?

There comes a moment when one realizes a few truths. 1) There is a God. 2) I am not it. Stopping long enough to approach this truth with a humble heart and receive things He's doing all around is the place I'm constantly wanting to get back to. Funny thing is, it doesn't matter if I get back to that place or not because He'll continue to speak and summon the earth day after day after day. I just miss out if I don't live in that reality.

In Psalm 50 it says He summons the earth. What does it mean to summon? Being the word nerd that I am, I had to look it up. To summon is to "authoritatively or urgently call on (someone) to be present, esp. as a defendant or witness in a law court. It means to bring to the surface (a particular quality or reaction) from within." The heaven's are God's court of law. Every day, by His authority, He calls forth the heavens to be present as a witness to His glory. That just makes me want to stand up right here and thank Him for that!

Do you have a picture of a favorite sunrise or sunset?

I'd love to see them....Here's a few I found that I enjoy.

Psalm 50: 1-23
"The mighty one, God the Lord, speaks and summons the earth from the rising of the sun to where it sets. ....He summons the heavens above and the earth....the heavens proclaim His righteousness for he is a God of justice.....God says, 'every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird in the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine. If I were hungry, I would not tell you, for the world is mine and all that is in it'.....fulfill your vows to the Most High and call on me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you and you will honor me.....those who sacrifice thank offerings honor me...."

Jeremiah 23:24
"....Do I not fill heaven and earth?," declares the Lord?

Here I am.....

"It is not the critic who counts:
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles
or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood,
who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again,
because there is no effort without error or shortcoming,

but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions,
who spends himself for a worthy cause;
who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls
who knew neither victory nor defeat."

(Theodore Roosevelt)

Thank you Theodore. Reminding me to keep my eyes on the prize of living a long life, through all the changing seasons, with a warm and willing soul. Here I am Lord, send me were the words of Isaiah. And they're mine too.

Is your blanket in the dryer?

Over a year ago, I wrote a blog "My blanket is in the dryer." At that point in my life, I was writing from Budapest. Almost a year and a half later, the same blog rings true. I've adapted some of this to fit my thoughts today. But upon reflection, most of this is just a recap of where I was 1.5 years ago.

"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines." Unknown

I'd have to agree completely. But growth, on the other hand, is NOT inevitable.

"We do not grow absolutely..... We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially..... We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." Anais Nin

When I look back at the "layers" of growth in my life I think I've found that most of the time the catalyst WAS change and it was usually change I didn't ask for!

As Marilyn Ferguson once said, "It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to."

Linus was Charlie Brown's quiet friend who held onto his blue blanket for security. To imagine Linus without a blanket, yeah. You get the picture. Now that would be a growing experience for the little guy! No sucking the thumb, no security.

Periodically, I've found that layers of contemplation and reflection help me sort through change and the concept of growth. Just because things change in your world doesn't mean you will grow from it. Sometimes we're busy trying to live life in the midst of change! But what about growth?

I've been up on top; back down again. The top is where hope, faith, joy, confidence and encouragement were my companions. Back down to the valley again is where fear, doubt, discouragement and pain were stalking me. This life feels much like a roller coaster sometimes and I'm not sure I agreed to get on! It's a roller coaster that I don't think anyone can successfully avoid. There are ebbs and flows in life and the trick is -- don't let it allude you. Grow from it!

Changes in this life - both internal and external, controllable and uncontrollable, expected and unexpected -- until the day of death, are inevitable. Sorry to deflate the perfect world we all wish we lived in!!

You may have nothing to hold onto, but your answer is warming up in the dryer.
Feeling a bit uncovered without the blue pal is understandable.

Anthony J. D'Angelo once said, "Become a student of change. It is the only thing that will remain constant." Somehow I find comfort in this. These words ring true but then there's a greater truth I hold on to.

"Though all things change, I remain eternally the same." God.

It's here that I resolve myself to realize what once was understood to be merely a flat world later became clearly round. I don't see the full picture. I don't hold my own world in my hands. And the place that seems like the end of the road, at least in some of my moments of reflection, may also be the beginning of spectacular things.

As a Christ-follower, when things are unclear and uncertain in the midst of change, I find my confidence in His unchanging character. He will never change in His love for me, His purposes towards me, His desire to see Christ's glory displayed in me. And that's where I thank God that the blanket's in the dryer.

A daily prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

- Francis of Assisi, aka Giovanni Francesco di Bernardone; 1181 – October 3, 1226

a supernova, a casanova, same thing

"God sends no one away empty, except those who are full of themselves."
- Dwight L. Moody

Ever seen pictures of a supernova? They are brilliant, beautiful, captivating to look at. After an explosion of color (because its full of itself,) it completely disappears into the darkness.

I think most people want to be known, want to be remembered. If not personally, atleast as a part of something spectacular. I've been in that camp more times than I care to count. I've jockeyed for a place among those supernovas, excited at the time to be a part of the light show. Funny thing is that after the light show, everybody goes home and there isn't much to look at. That's just the reality of a supernova.

A supernova can radiate an incredible amount of energy, lighting up an entire galaxy, expelling its content and causing shock waves, leaving gas and dust behind before completely disappearing out of sight. The analogy for me is daunting as I've seen some spiritual supernovas in my lifetime. This past year has been one of the hardest for me as I grapple with the reality that sometimes Christ-followers become supernovas. Once brilliant, bright and beautiful, they've disappeared completely into darkness. I'm looking at what remains and there's a lot of darkness where there once was a light show. And I ask God - what do you want me to learn from the supernova?

Ever heard of a Casanova? The life of the Italian man Giacomo Casanova holds another analogy for me and not because of his seduction strategies with women. What I find ironic is that Mr. Casanova lived in the shadows of nobility. His memoirs talk of moments in the limelight of 18th Century European living where seducing women was par for the course. A lot of the women he seduced were married or if they were single, he would help get them married off to someone else. And at the end of his life he was empty and bored and had nothing to show for all his years. He lived among nobility but He really wasn't noble. Just like the seduction of supernovas, there's the seduction of living a Casanova life - where you really don't dive in and take on all the essence of pure and noble faith but just live in the shadows, eeking out a living. Never really settling into the depth of being a Christ-follower. Supernova, casanova, same thing.

What can I learn from supernovas and casanovas? One thing's for sure. They're definitely not .....turtles!?

Yep. That bland, slow, green spotted turtle. Slow and steady wins the race. He's not in a hurry. He's not looking to take short cuts. He knows he's got a long journey ahead but He's in it for the long haul and he's willing to do the work to get there. He's willing to stay on the path. Like that turtle who comes out on top, there was no flash, no pomp, just steady and slow. Sometimes I'm a lot more like that haire, that silly rabbit. I fail a lot but I'm reminded of the goal to end well. So I ask Him to make the heart changes that need to be made so that at the end of it all I can hear Christ say, "Good job Jen. You made it to the end."

I think my mom is on to something. She has said many times that in her opinion, no one is a Christian. We're all just practicing Christianity. If that's true, the point is, supernovas die out and Casanovas have nothing to show of their flashy life...... but the turtle, the turtle made it. He put one foot in front of the other. He kept moving forward, moving towards the goal.

What's my goal? To be near, stay near Christ. To become like Him. I am told that if I draw close to my creator, He'll draw close to me. So I've got to slow down and look at the foundations in my life, remember the goal and run the distance.

To die or not to die. . .

As a Christ-follower, there is a strange antithesis between life and death. Before experiencing what Christ calls authentic and genuine living, He told us we must first be willing to die to self and allow His life to flow through us. Paul was able to say

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me" Galatians 2:20

I'm not always there. This week I have been keenly aware of my own selfishness, the yuckyness in my heart. The life I now live in the flesh is not always that reflection of faith in Christ and His love for me. Since April is always a time of reflection for me, I guess it's a good time to be so keenly aware of my need for deeper heart changes.

This morning I read through John 12:20 and the story of a group of Greeks who came to Jesus and wanted to hear him speak. Although it's just speculation, it seems that Jesus was very quick to remember his purpose. He was not going to be sidetracked. Its as if the Greeks were saying "We enjoy hearing you. Why don't you come to Athens, the seat of knowledge and wisdom, where your ideas will be accepted". Was there a temptation to look out for himself and stay alive? Instead, Jesus seemed to have a strong reaction.

"Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me."

Why would Jesus have such a strong and dramatic response to the Greeks desire to see him? Was dying or not dying the real dilemma at hand?

And isn't that the question every day for those who choose to follow Christ? Am I going to live for myself, my agenda, my thoughts, my ways or am I going to allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through me, am I going to be open to His purpose, His agenda, His thoughts, His ways today?

If anything needs to die today, it's my selfishness. To die or not to die to selfishness is the question. Selfishness is lacking consideration for others and being concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure. It needs to die. Selfishness means being self-absorbed, self-obsessed, self-seeking, and self-serving and these roots in my soul need to die.

With black Friday tomorrow, the day Christ went to the cross, I hope to walk more in His steps and allow these things to die. If authentic living is found in giving up the things that I have a "right" to, then this is how Christ is formed in me.

Every Day Light

I love the devotionals at Crosswalk. This one gets sent to my inbox every morning called "Every Day Light".

Get Hold of This!
For reading & meditation - Romans 8:28-39
""... we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."" (v. 28)

Before going on to examine some of the major ways in which life breaks us, we pause to review what we have been saying over these past few days. We said that while the same things may happen to us all, they do not have the same effect upon us all. Life's blows make some people querulous and bitter; others, they sweeten and refine. We also saw that the reason some respond to life positively and turn their problems into possibilities is because of right inner attitudes. There are many non-Christians who put us to shame when it comes to the question of rightly responding to life, and it is high time, therefore, that we Christians got our philosophy of living sorted out once and for all. If, as the Scripture teaches, God will let nothing happen to one of His children without supplying the necessary grace to turn the stumbling block into a stepping stone, then we ought to be ahead of the world in demonstrating how to meet whatever life sends us with confidence and faith. Be quite clear about this: no one can fully represent the Christian way of living until they commit themselves to believing that, though God may allow what appears to be a disaster in the life of one of His children, He does so only if He can turn it to good effect. If transformation is not possible, then God would never have allowed it to happen in the first place. So let this truth sink deep into your spirit - God only allows what He can use.

Established and Kept in April

I'm in absolute shock that we are quickly approaching the month of April. One-third of 2010 is gone. Incredible!

It's always around this time I find my heart grappling for those things that are the best to hold on to. Maybe it's the beginning of Spring and that feeling in the air that anything is possible! I'm ready for the best in life. I want more in every area of what we call "life."

Maybe this is because April is a month that holds quite a bit of meaning for me. Call it the month of reckoning and rebirth but it's rich with meaning for me.

In April of my junior in high school, I could no longer walk away from the incredible love, power and grace that I saw in the eyes of Christ, the Creator and Sustainer of life. I had a lot of questions about life, a lot of anger and pain from past experiences and a lot of guilt and shame for things. Ultimately, my flesh cried out for meaning, for purpose, for truth. What I experienced up to that point could not be the sum end of all of life. For if it was, I was done.

For what seemed like the first time, I heard the truth about Christ. The freedom, the love and passion I experienced at that time was like nothing I'd ever experienced in my life. My identity was rocked to the core. There was a reckoning and a rebirth. Becoming a Christ-follower was all I wanted to think about. He became everything to me and I wanted to learn how to walk that out.

April also became the month where, as a Christ-follower, I celebrate Easter. If Christ didn't rise above the elements of gravity, my faith is in vain. Not only did He rise again from the dead, bringing meaning and purpose to the fact that He's a LIVING God, but every morning when the things that want to destroy me, those elements of my heart that are dead inside, when I feel cold to the things that would bring me life, Christ rises again and again in my heart and says "Come, follow me!". He is alive in the world and alive in me. And it's for this reason I celebrate Easter.

This morning I read "But the LORD is faithful, who shall establish you, and keep you from evil" (2 Thessalonians 3:3) and I believe it. I've seen others more noble than me who professed the name of Christ and later found themselves in a ship-wrecked yard in their faith. What I'm looking at this morning as an evil in the world is when my heart becomes cold, callous and unmoved by the words of the Creator and Sustainer of life.

I'm crying out on the brink of another April - the month of reckoning and rebirth - for more! More of Him and less of myself. I'm looking to the one who is faithful when I'm not. I'm looking to the one who is established and strong when I'm not. Life is rich when Christ is the center and that's my prayer today. God, take center stage. You're faithful to establish and keep me. Please do both and deliver me from evil.

This mornings reading

I don't know what it is about being outside and seeing the landscapes in Spring and Summer, but my heart comes alive with praise and thanksgiving to the God who made it all for our pleasure and sheer enjoyment!

This morning while reading from a parallel Bible, (The Message Remix) which means it's not a word for word translation, but more of a Bible you would put next to a "real" Bible while studying just to give you more "juicy" words to chew on, my heart resonated with how vast and expansive are the number of things created things to consider and how God has fashioned them and deserves our praise! What amazes me is that He still chose to extend His hand to me and invite me in, to be a part of His story, His creation! This morning my heart is light and full with life! Thank you to my amazing Creator!


Psalm 95
"Come, let's shout praises to God, raise the roof for the Rock who saved us! let's march into his presence singing praises, lifting the rafters with our hymns! And why? Because God is the best, High King over all the gods. In one hand he holds deep caves and caverns, in the other grasps the high mountains. He made Ocean - he owns it! His hands sculpted the Earth!

So, come, let us worship: bow before Him, on your knees before God, who made us! Oh yes, he's our God, and we're the people He pastures, the flock He feeds. Drop everything and listen, listen as he speaks! Don't turn a deaf ear as in the bitter uprising, as on the day of the wilderness test, when your ancestors turned and put me to the test. Forty years they watched me at work among them as over and over they tried my patience. And I was provoked-Oh, was I provoked! Can't they keep their minds on God for five minutes?? Do they simply refuse to walk down my road? Exasperated, I exploded, "They'll never get where they're headed, never be able to sit down and rest."

Psalm 96
"Sing God a brand new song! Earth and everyone in it, sing! Sing to God - worship God! Shout the news of his victory from sea to sea, take the news of his glory to the lost, news of his wonders to one and all! For God is great, and worth a thousand Hallelujahs. His terrible beauty makes the gods look cheap; Pagan gods are mere tatter and rags. God mad the heavens - royal splendor radiates from him, a powerful beauty sets him apart. Bravo, God, Bravo! Everyone join in the great shout: Encore! In awe before His beauty, in awe before His might....."

Psalm 97
"God rules: there's something to shout over! ON the double, mainlands and islands, celebrate! Bright clouds and storm clouds circle 'round him; right and justice anchor his rule. Fire blazes out before him, flaming high up the craggy mountains. His lightnings light up the world; earth, wide-eyed trembles in fear. The mountains take one look at God and melt, melt like wax before earth's Lord. The heavens announce that he'll set everything right, and everyone will see it happen - glorious! All who serve handcrafted gods will be sorry - and they were so proud of their ragamuffin gods! On your knees, all you gods - worship him! And Zion, you listen and take heart! Daughters of Zion, sing your hearts out: God has done it all, has set everything right. You, God, are High God of the cosmos, Far, far higher than any of the gods. God loves all who hate evil, and those who love him he keeps safe. Snatches them from the grip of the wicked. Light-seeds are planted in the souls of God's people, joy seeds are planted in good heart-soil. So, God's people, shout praise to God, Give thanks to our Holy God!"

the best Chiropractor in Reno :)

I had no idea how amazing Chiropractic adjustments can be. Back in October I injured my shoulder and had to take some time away from swimming. When I happened to ask a regular doctor about it, he gave me exercises and it actually got worse. I decided to ask Dr. Gomez about my shoulder and when I told him the exercises the doctor gave me, He said, "That's the worse thing you can do for it." He explained what was probably going on with the bone/muscle structure there and started working on adjusting it. He also gave me some exercises to do. It took about six weeks, but I have my shoulder back! Thank you Dr. G!

More recently, my lower back has been in a ton of pain. I think it's because I haven't been as good about stretching after workouts. But after a swift reminder from James, I'm back on track with stretching. My lower back still gets tight very quickly so I've been getting adjusted there and wow! What an incredible difference. I will never go back to living without chiropractic adjustments. And that's all I have to say about that.

If you're looking for a good Chiropractor in Reno, I strongly suggest Dr. Aric Gomez. 853-0250. :)

Green's Color

Shamrocks, Leprechauns, the Color Green, a Pot of Gold, and Guinness Beer. I wish you all these and more. The luck of the Irish! But wait!! Is this the essence of the holiday? For starters, what I find interesting is that St Patrick wasn't even Irish. When I found that out, I was curious.

How did this non-Irish man become so entrenched in Irish history? His integral part of the Irish heritage is in the way he served the country in the 5th century in very unique ways. Patrick (Patricius), which was most likely his Romanized name, grew up as the son of a Roman-British officer. At a young age, he was captured from Britain where he was sold as a slave in Ireland. He spent six years in prison there and during that time, he had an encounter with God that changed the direction of his life.

The story goes that his escape from Ireland was God-ordained and God-directed. When he escaped, he went to Britian and to France and studied in a monastery for 12 years. After becoming a Catholic bishop, He had a dream that the Irish were calling him back to Ireland to tell them about God. He was given the Pope's blessing and went to Ireland. Many of the Gaelic Irish became Christ-followers as He traveled across the country for over 20 years sharing Christ and baptizing a lot of people. He established monasteries, schools, churches but his commitment to the Irish people also caused tension with the Celtic Druids who arrested him on several occasions.

The fact that Patrick was used to bring native Irishmen and women to a vibrant faith and develop the culture and community is a part of history. Now we celebrate it with Guinness beer. I guess that's not all bad, but Pat's life was richer with substance than any Guinness you might drink today. And for any beer drinkers, I guess that's saying a lot.

By the end of the 7th century, many stories were circulated about Patrick's life. It was said he used the three-leafed shamrock to explain the concept of the Trinity - the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. There's also a legend that he asked God to take authority over venomous snakes in Ireland, driving all the snakes into the sea where they drowned. These may be legends but after some 1500 years, these legends have been inseparably combined with facts. Patrick's mission in Ireland ended on March 17, AD 461 when he died and now this day is celebrated worldwide as St. Patrick's Day.

As you take a sip of your beer, look for your pot of gold, and sport a bit of green, remember He was a man on a mission. As my body shop bag reads, "Green is not just a color, it's a state of mind." Not really sure how that applies, but go with it.

Comparisons

Two things took place this morning as I was reading the good book and asking for some heart issues to be resolved within. First, the words to a song started playing and really had an impact. I listened to the song about 10 times......."..Write your word upon my heart...I have no good apart from you...I keep running after broken cisterns that never satisfy....Won't you open up my soul....I wanna be with you where you are....Preserve me, Oh God"



And second, I identified a heart issue going on in me that wasn't good at all. I was reminded this morning how deadly comparisons can be. I think for women we struggle with this more than men as we are constantly bombarded with images in pop-culture of other women (that often have been photo-shopped or airbrushed) that are used to sell products in commercials. Maybe I'm the only one who struggles with this stuff.

But, this morning it was as if God, my creator, asked me....

"Really Jen? Seriously?? You are going to compare yourself to these images and people? Don't compare yourself to others. It's poisonous. It's deadly. Why don't you compare yourself to me (Jesus) because the attributes and qualities that make you genuinely beautiful are in me not these images."

Ouch. OUCH!! That hurt. And so I will be trying once again to walk this out. Of course I care about staying healthy. Yet I was reminded what the Bible says, "Charm is deceitful, beauty is fleeting...a woman who fears the Lord should be praised,". As much time as I may spend on other things to look and feel good, I can't neglect the internal side of my life because that's what's eternal, that's what's going to last!

Comparisons are like those broken cisterns that can't hold under pressure and/or run dry. Comparisons are empty and leave us feeling empty and wanting. But God's character fills us up and we're left with joy. I don't need to be focusing on comparing myself to others. That thing is cracked and deadly. I need to focus my heart and mind on the one who authors life. I need to ask him to renew and preserve me in His image. When I'm tempted to compare, I need to remember to compare myself to the qualities I love about Christ. And that settles it.

The Sprint Tri and why this weather excites me!

Over the years, people I know have trained for the Ironman Triathlon. Although I admired their dedication, I thought they were crazy! I couldn't really understand why it was so addicting.......until two years ago when I did my first event, a much shorter version - The Sprint Tri.

While living in Budapest, Hungary, a teacher I worked with sold me her daughter's bike. For whatever reason, this started my journey towards Triathlon. I started with something I love and I biked all over that beautiful city. Something came alive inside of me. I loved it! Then my bike was stolen and I borrowed Chris' mountain bike. Yep. I was addicted because riding a mountain bike through the city is total commitment. One of my favorite places to bike was Margaret Island. It wasn't long before I noticed an amazing aquatic center on the Island. I started swimming regularly there and one day I happened to stumble upon a padded running course around the Island. I'm not sure how or when, but something clicked - run, bike, swim.....

Then I realized....
1) I would have to run. (did I mention I hate running?)
2) I would have to train.( I imagined the worst. My time sucked into the vortex of Tri training. But I soon was encouraged to find that I didn't have to be the crazy, psycho woman training for an Ironman. Couch Potato's could do it and be relatively successful. :)

My first Sprint Tri took place outside of London in Eton and WOW! What an experience. My good friend Lara joined me and was such a support! Tosin pitched in by letting me use his bike! I will never never forget the incredible feeling when I finished. I trained well. I followed a beginners Tri training guide and that went well! I was so inspired when I finished that I was ready to do another one right there on the spot!

My second Sprint Tri took place in Auburn, California and I was much less prepared. Not only was the course hilly and rigorous, I hadn't trained as consistently as I did for London. I learned a lot from that race, basically that I'll never repeat Auburn. It was TOUGH and when it ceases being enjoyable, I cease to desire to go.

More recently, I've been building a base on treadmills and stationary bikes for 2010 Sprint Tri events. When I think about the next event, I get super excited. This year, I really want to do one by the Ocean. It's all about the surroundings for me. We'll see. There are a few in the Bay Area that I've got my eye on. I'd also like to do the Pyramid Tri.

One thing I've learned is that winter training can really be an asset. Treadmills and stationary bikes aren't all bad - they can keep you moving through the Winter weather. Although I prefer running on trails outside, the treadmill has become my friend.

Today the sun was shining and there was a glimmer of hope that Spring is near! Something inside came alive and I got excited as I thought about the training that is to come. I'm thankful for vitamin D in Reno. I love that sunshine. And I'm thankful that training will soon be mostly outside very soon.

I've got a lot of possibilities in mind for 2010 events, but nothing set in stone. I'm pretty sure I will do my first 2010 Tri in April. But I'm working on working in a half-marathon, to kick this running thing in the pants. But, again -- that's another reason why I love the Sprint Tri. It's a great way to mix it up! Not just running, but biking and swimming too! :))

A Love Note.....

Last year I celebrated Valentine's Day in Budapest with a few Hungarian and Polish friends. We talked about what love means to people today, our views on romantic relationships and what God has demonstrated as love through Christ - that His love is perfect. The main premise was that other loves fail miserably in comparison to God's love.

Peter had given me a copy of a "love letter from God" a few weeks before Valentines Day and it was translated into both Hungarian and English. It was very cool to see it translated into Hungarian! As V-day rolled around, I gave a copy to my Hungarian lady friends along with a rose. This is how we celebrated and it meant a great deal to me that my Hungarian (and Polish) friends were there to talk and share thoughts on love.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I'm very aware of what it's like to go into this holiday as a single person. I've had a lot of single years. Some V-days were better than others. I found when I was busy thinking of other people and how to love on them, it was much, much easier. When it came to dating just to have a Valentine's date, I could just never bring myself to do that. Casual dating was never really an option for me. I give 100% and to do that over and over again, if it's just going to be a casual thing, equals pain and heartbreak in my book.

In Hungary all the teenage boys wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. I told them I was waiting for the Nagy Szerelo - the big love. And in the meantime, I pursued the things in life that meant the most to me. I don't regret that decision because throughout that time, I read books on healthy relationships (haha, I have a few boxes of them in storage, no joke!), spent time asking God to heal my heart from the past, talked to couples that I respected to hear their stories and I meditated on the things God said in His word about love. This might sound corny but on some occasions, I even took myself out on a date to a nice restaurant or a movie. If I couldn't be a happy, self-confident single woman, what makes me think I'd be that in a relationship?

I'll admit - some days I sucked in this part of the heart journey and couldn't understand where God was in the midst of it all. When my soul longed to be understood by just one man (it wouldn't take a lot -- just one), when I wanted to share life's chores (like going to Trader Joe's or Walmart), I'd get frustrated that nothing was happening. Then I was always brought back to the truth that the perfect love, the greatest lover of all time wanted this time with me. He wanted me to himself, so to speak. So, why should I complain?

I say this and yet I know. Trusting that God cares about the love life can be a challenging journey since sometimes the heart just has no idea what God is up to!

Now that my life journey has brought me into a relationship with a very good man, I still remember what my married friends tried to tell me over the years. Basically, even when you are in the best relationship on earth, there is still not one person who can fulfill, satisfy and understand all the little crevices in your heart and soul that were meant to receive and experience divine love.

If God himself IS love, then if you want a perfect love, you won't find it anywhere else. He is perfect and perfectly fills the soul. And so then I think about this. When God fills your soul, there's enough love to go around. There's room for it to overflow. He gives you the ability to walk in 1 Corinthians 13 towards others. I don't know anyone who can be patient, kind, loving 24/7 to all people. Yet God is this to us and so much more! Wow. We need Him and His presence, His perfect love to fill and refill us AND our relationships. Only in this is there hope for a healthy, genuine relationship that mirrors and reflects the divine.

I believe that healthy relationships are something to desire. One of my biggest beefs all these years as a single woman was watching men who were interested at some level and yet never pursued some of my friends and even me. I'd like to say, don't play games with a woman's heart as in say you're going to be friends but act and spend time like it's more. I'd love to see more of my men friends get over their fears and trust God to lead the heart into a committed relationship. As a wise man once said, "fortune favors the bold!" And it does. I'm not saying don't use wisdom. But it's most disheartening to see amazing men and women continue to live single lives because someone doesn't have the guts to risk rejection. Relationships aren't for cowards and men were called to be the pursuers.....Healthy relationship were meant to bless and extend the good things God gives on the earth. It's worth the risk, especially if you're building it with Christ at the center!

As I go into this Valentine's Day with a very good man by my side, I never want to forget the journey through my single years. Ultimately, I learned that the only place to find completion and wholeness in love is in the one who designed love. His love will always be the best. He designed it that way. That will never change, no matter what season of the soul I am in. Men and women are meant to look to God to fill in all the gaps. God alone is meant to define, shape and mold the heart according to His love pattern. He's the anchor that ensures the best kind of giving and receiving in love.

So here's the Valentine's letter I leave with you. And now that I've rambled on and on, I'm curious. Which phrase stands out to you and why as you read this "love letter"? Does one mean more to you than another one? I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts! I am leaving both the English and Hungarian version. I would love to hear your feedback.


My Child,

I know everything about you, even if you may not know me.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

And, Here's a copy of the Love Letter in Magyar :))

Szerelmes Levél Atyádtól

Gyermekem…

Lehet hogy te nem ismersz engem,
de én mindent tudok rólad
Zsoltárok 139,1

Azt is tudom, hogy pontosan mikor ülsz le,
és mikor állsz fel
Zsoltárok 139,2

Minden utadat jól ismerem
Zsoltárok 139,3

Még a hajszálaid is mind számon vannak tartva
Máté 10,29-31

Mert saját magam hasonmására teremtettelek téged
1 Mózes 1,27

Anélkül hogy tudnád, Énbennem élsz, mozogsz, létezel
Apostolok Cselekedetei 17,28

Mert az én nemzetségem vagy
Apostolok Cselekedetei 17,28

Mielott megformáltalak az anyaméhben,
már ismertelek
Jeremiás 1,4-5

Kiválasztottalak magamnak, a teremtés kezdetén
Efezusiakhoz 1,11-12

Nem véletlen az életed,
mivel teljes egészében minden tetted le van írva a könyvemben
Zsoltárok 139,16

Én határoztam el pontosan a születésed idejét, és azt is,
hogy hol fogsz élni
Apostolok Cselekedetei 17,26

Félelmetesnek és csodálatosnak alkottalak meg
Zsoltárok 139,14

Én formáltalak anyád méhében
Zsoltárok 139,13

Én hoztalak a világra születésed napján
Zsoltárok 71,6

Hamisan képviseltek azok,
akik nem ismernek engem
János 8,41-44

Nem vagyok tartózkodó, sem haragos,
hanem teljes szeretettel tekintek rád
1 János 4,16

Vágyom arra,
hogy szeretetemmel elhalmozzalak
1 János 3,1

Csupán azért,
mert a gyermekem vagy és én Apád vagyok
1 János 3,1

Többet adok neked,
mint valaha földi apádtól kaphatnál
Maté 7,11

Mert én vagyok a tökéletes Apa
Máté 5,48

Minden jó ajandék számodra, amelyet elfogadsz,
az én kezembõl ered
Jakab 1,17

Mert mindenben gondoskodom rólad és ellátlak mind azzal,
amire szükséged van
Máté 6,31-33

A jövõdre vonatkozó terveim mindig
reménnyel vannak teli
Jeremiás 29,11

Mert örök szeretettel szeretlek téged
Jeremiás 31,3

Annyiszor gondolok rád, mint ahány
homokszem van a tengerparton
Zsoltárok 139,17-18

És én örvendek neked hangosan énekelve
Zofóniás 3,17

Sosem únok bele abba,
hogy jót tegyek veled
Jeremiás 32,40

Mert az én kincsem vagy
2 Mózes 19,5

Teljes szívemmel és lelkemmel
vágyok arra hogy örök életet adjak neked
Jeremiás 32,41

És én hatalmas és csodálatos dolgokat
akarok mutatni neked
Jeremiás 33,3

Megtalálsz, ha teljes szíveddel keresel engem
5 Mózes 4,29

Gyönyörködj bennem és megadom szíved kérését
Zsoltárok 37,4

Mert én adtam neked azokat a kivánságokat
Filippiekhez 2,13

Mindent megteszek érted, sokkal bõségesebben,
mint ahogy azt elképzeled
Efezusiakhoz 3,20

Mert én vagyok a leghuségesebb bátorítód
2 Thesszalonikaiakhoz 2,16-17

Az Atya vagyok,
aki minden nyomorúságodban megvígasztal
2 Korinthusiakhoz 1,3-4

Amikor a szíved megtört, akkor vagyok közel hozzád
Zsoltár 34,19

Mint ahogy a pásztor karjára gyüjti a bárányát,
a szívemhez közel úgy hordoztalak téged
Ézsaiás 40,11

Egy nap minden könnyet letörlök a szemeidrõl
Jelenések 21,3-4

És megszabadítlak az összes földi fájdalmadtól
Jelenések 21,3-4

Atyád vagyok, és fiamként szeretlek,
mint ahogyan Jézust szeretem
János 17,23

Mert Jézusban láthatod, hogy mennyire szeretlek
János 17,26

O és én, egyek vagyunk
Zsidókhoz 1,3

O azért jött hogy bebizonyítsa,
hogy én veled vagyok és nem ellened
Rómaiakhoz 8,31

És hogy elmondja,
hogy nem tulajdonítom neked vétkeidet
2 Korinthusiakhoz 5,18-19

Jézus azért halt meg, hogy egymással megbékéltessünk
2 Korinthusiakhoz 5,18-19

Az o halála volt a szeretetemnek
legmélyebb kifejezése
1 János 4,10

Feladtam mindent amit szerettem,
azért hogy megnyerjem a te szeretetedet
Rómaiakhoz 8,32

Ha befogadod fiamat,
Jézust, úgy engem fogadsz be
1 János 2,23

Soha, semmi nem választhat el téged
az én szeretetemtõl
Rómaiakhoz 8,38-39

Gyere haza, és a legnagyobb ünnepséget rendezem a tiszteletedre,
amelyet a menyország valaha is látott
Lukács 15,7

Én mindig Atya voltam, és mindig Atya leszek
Efezusiakhoz 3,14-15

Az én kérdésem ez:
Leszel-e te a gyermekem?
János 1,12-13

Várok rád
Lukács 15,11-32

Szeretettel, Édesatyád.,
a Mindenható Isten

A leisurely morning

This morning I got up around 7 am. Way too early for a Saturday, if you ask me! There's something about taking it slow on a weekend morning that does great things to the soul! Although I didn't sleep in, I did get to rest and take it easy and that's just about the same difference to me!

I finally sauntered out of bed around 8 am and decided to get the java flow started. Downstairs mom was waking up too. Our weekday morning ritual has been really nice. We usually have a cup of coffee and talk for about 10 minutes before moving on to start the day. But this morning was different. This morning, I brought my bible and journal downstairs and got online at crosswalk.com, leisurely reading and sipping on coffee while chatting with mom. Being able to take my time, stop and read, enjoy the day slowly and leisurely is bliss!

The rest of the family got up around 10 am and mom made breakfast. Yummy cheesy eggs and bacon and fresh OJ!! I love these moments with my family, especially since I haven't been around for almost a decade until just recently.

Now I'm contemplating a workout before driving up to Reno to hang out with Mr. Brownskin. Today I just don't feel like working out. I know that consistency and discipline are key but I wonder if I will ever enjoy running! For me, on most days, it's pure torture, atleast until I'm done. Then I'm glad I did it. Yesterday I ran 5 miles, was supposed to do 6 but wimped out. Fortunately today on the workout plan I have a 3 mile EZ run and some bike time! I love riding. I could ride for hours on a bike but how do long distance runners wrap their brain around almost a few hours of running? I just don't get it.

Later today I'm going to make Shrimp and Potato Chowder at Mr. Simmons place. We'll probably watch a movie and just relax. I love these moments when there's no rush, no agenda, no real plan.

Although there is one thing that I KNOW I need to do but keep avoiding -- finish up those darn New Years cards!! Yep, I'm that person who sends you a card in February. Still have about 30 to write a note on and address envelopes! I like to send them all out at once. Maybe that's not the smartest, but that's what I like. It's going to be Valentines Day by the time I finally get them out. Oh well. Such is life sometimes.

With all my heart

With all my heart, I'm trusting what I can't see
Details uncertain, random possibilities.
Assured by love that You're making a way for me.

I look for quick answers and a coffee to go.
But there's another way you're leading--heart-changing and slow.
I'll stop trying to figure out this life on my own.

Looking for answers when my soul is weak.
Refusing to believe my future will be bleak.
Ears are for listening, and You speak.

Then I'm quick to think I've got it figured out.
But get humbled again when life takes a new route.
And you understand all this, even when I pout.

More than I want to listen, You want to be heard.
Your peace makes other peoples noise sound absurd.
And so I rest, I wait, I watch in Your word.

Learning to trust is not a cowardice plan.
When I run to you, the difficult is easier to understand.
All of the questions seem insignificant as I take your hand.
And no matter the future, I can stand.......with all my heart.


Proverbs 3:5-12
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
He's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!"

Runnersworld sends out a daily 'kick in the butt' email with an inspirational quote that I love to read. Right now I'm trying to focus on running, since I'm waiting for the shoulder to heal and since biking is a strength for me. I'm looking at a doing a Half Marathon and a Sprint Tri event in April, but we'll see. If not both events, atleast one. If I had to choose, I'd choose the Sprint Tri. I really hate running and the thought that I am forcing myself to get up to 2 hours of running is dreadful. It truly is an ordeal but I'm hoping to make it an accomplishment!! I want to do a half this year, even if it's not the funnest thing I've ever done. I will do one!!

Here's today's quote:

"At first an ordeal and then an accomplishment, the daily run becomes a staple, like bread, or wine, a fine marriage, or air. It is also a free pass to friendship."
Benjamin Cheever, Strides

Hoping to get a 4 mile run in sometime this a.m. Any friends gonna join me?

your beauty

“Let your beauty not be external - the braiding of hair and wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes - but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NET) In another translation, verse 4 says, "but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

This morning I found myself reading this scripture and taking time to reflect on its meaning as a woman who wants to reflect her creator.

First, I was reminded of the concept of mirrors that my friend Lara developed for her weekend events for women. Basically, the message is this. All of us are looking into one of three mirrors - either the mirror of pop culture and what it's telling us we need to look like, the mirror of self-judgment, based on certain things we hold onto internally that are often tainted, or the final mirror of the truth of God's word and God's perspective. I got excited thinking about finding a few scripture verses to memorize and keep close by so that I can keep my mind centered on that third mirror, the mirror of my Creator's truth about me. If I'm going to keep internal beauty real, then my thoughts and perspectives of myself must be based on truth, not my own truth but His truth. I also have to say this doesn't mean as a woman I won't want to look good or enjoy some of the latest fashion trends but I can't base my worth and my identity on that.

I don't think it's a message ladies can hear enough especially with today's culture promoting plastic surgery, the latest fashions and the smallest sizes. Sadly though when we become reduced to our external beauty, we've reduced ourselves to "eye candy" and all the trappings that come with that perspective. It's easy to remain superficial and just build yourself up externally. Where culture focuses on external beauty, your God sees the inward beauty of the heart. Every day you are dressing up your heart and/or stripping away things that keep your hearts true beauty in Christ from shining through. Just as there are things we do to look cute on the outside, there are ways to cultivate internal beauty too.

The other thought I had was that coming from a family of loud mouthed and opinionated Italians and Hungarians, I'm not exactly one you might consider quiet. :) As I looked a little closer, I realized that it's not talking about a quiet voice but a quiet spirit. Did you know that what's on the deepest level of who you are as an individual will seep out, whether you like it or not? The hidden person of the heart is there. You may not say a lot but your spirit may be speaking volumes and it might be really loud with anxiety, fear, anger. At Monday night small group we learned about living the Christ-centered life, where any goodness inside is because God's seed of life is planted in our hearts and as we water that, it grows. The same is true about giving into your flesh and watering that, that's what will take over too.

So then I had to ask myself, what does a quiet spirit look like? How do you water that? The word quiet is also a synonym for tranquil and looking up that word, I found it means free from disturbance, calm, still, composed, even-tempered, generally peaceful. With various pressures and demands in life, it's easy to lose that state of heart and mind. How quickly anxiety, disturbance, and the swing of emotions waits at the door to try and replace a peace found at one time or somewhere in the early morning hours before venturing out of bed.

"....I come, quiet my soul, remember...."

And maybe that's the point in keeping a quiet spirit. All throughout the day, I can come, I need to come to the Creator of this heart of mine, even in little ways, and lay those burdens down, replace them with the strength and joy Christ longs to impart and exude from my life.

Today I'm asking for the fruit of God's spirit in me to be gentle. Gentleness is kind and tender. It's a freedom from harsh, severe actions. Sometimes I need to be gentle with myself. Sometimes I need to be gentle with others. Either way I want that gentle and quiet spirit, one that my Creator has fashioned and formed me to walk in.

Taking the time to focus on what will last, this inner heart life, is time well spent.

Franklin's Planners and Working Out :)

2010 is going to be a year filled with changes and new experiences! I don't mind it. I'm very excited about it.

With a new Franklin planner in hand, I'm excited to organize my day in the morning. As far as I can remember, in fact I think it was Robert Pierce and Jamie Weston who first introduced me to the novel little book, Franklin's been the planner choice for me. I've tried others and they just won't do.

This Franklin's a little different as it's broken up into months, has a "next action" notebook and a really cool insert with a "time map" on it. I hope to be more resourceful with my time and that will really happen if I can avoid long AT&T calls like last nights that took almost an hour and still didn't resolve a thing!

As much as I like all things techy, and would have loved to go paperless (I actually did search for a planner that works with my I-phone) ultimately the joy of writing in appointments, travel engagements, and to do's and crossing them off is sheer pleasure.

I'm really excited about the time map component of this planner specifically for the purpose of training. It will give me a chance weekly to write in workouts and keep track of what I'm eating and look at my progress for some upcoming events.

Speaking of events, I'm looking forward to completing a first half marathon this year. Yes, I said it. This commits me to it, Lord willing. And of course I'll throw in a few Sprint Tri's (hoping to do atleast one by the ocean). For the challenge, I believe this is the year I will begin to mix it up a bit and work in the Olympic distance training for a Tri. The distances aren't much longer than the Sprint distances, and I keep telling myself it's doable. Deception is bliss?? I don't know.

One of the funnest parts for me is doing this with others. James has wanted to do a Sprint Tri way before he met me, so for awhile now he's also had the desire and so we get to start training together in the Spring. It looks like I have some other running and training buddies that I am just so thrilled about too!

I don't know if I'll do it, but I wrote it as a goal in the Franklin. I would really love to get a legit Personal Trainers Cert this year. The one I got was a joke, but it was really something for me to do for myself personally while I was in Hungary and I did enjoy learning some things along the way. My biggest fear is that I'll forget it all, as I don't have the best memory. I'm not one of those people who can remember bone and muscle names. That's just not me. But if I do get a cert, I will go with the ACSM cert, which Dr. Gomez recommends and I trust his opinion.

So here's to training and planning and organizing the year ahead!
2010 is going to be a great year, especially because He's Immanuel, God with us!

Sarah's Daughters

As if it might be the title to a great song with an interesting music video, I was driving home from Reno one night this week and reminded -- ladies, we are Sarah's daughters.

Sarah is one of my favorite women in the Bible. For over a decade, God promised her a son, a child she could hold and love but she waited and waited and nothing happened. Her promise of motherhood was challenged by the reality that she was a barren woman. The moral of the story for me is in the face of challenging circumstances, God still breaks through. Years passed and still there was no baby. I'm sure she felt shame, disappointment, bitterness. I think she even blamed God. Who wouldn't? Who hasn't?

What I find interesting is that from Sarah's life of fears, a legacy of faith was born. In the end, "Because of faith also Sarah herself received physical power to conceive a child, even when she was long past the age for it, because she considered [God] Who had given her the promise to be reliable and trustworthy and true to His word," (Hebrews 11:11 AMP). In the end her faith won out.

In the face of circumstantial evidence, she let the evidence of His trustworthy nature pile up right next to it. And her heart had to learn to trust God's timing. Sarah's faith won her the honor of being one of the only women in the Bible to exemplify true faith in Hebrews 11. You and I are actually considered Sarah's daughters when we don't allow things to terrify us, when we don't give way to hysterical fears or let anxieties unnerve us. (1Peter 3:6 AMP). I wonder if her heart finally came to a place after being disappointed where she looked her fears in the eye and stared it down. I wonder if she just found a way to say "No more!" When you and I can do that, we have inherited Sarah's legacy of faith.

As a woman still learning to be a Christ-follower after all these years, being called a daughter of Sarah has a lot of meaning to me. Sarah's life is a great reminder that God works with our imperfections. It's also encouraging to see He doesn't promise a perfect life. Sarah's heart got sick when the thing she hoped for, the thing God promised, seemed to be a fleeting dream. Her and her husband were promised a child but weeks turned into months and months turned into years and Sarah finally took things into her own hands. She rationalized and reasoned away God's promise. Even though Sarah and Abraham made a mess of things, God didn't give up. I find that remarkable. He truly is the most forgiving and loving God.

How many 90 year old women do you know who get pregnant and live to tell about it? Um, yeah. That takes a lot of trust so I doubt I would have done anything different if I were in her shoes. I'm sure those nine months were long and mysterious, full of joy, doubt and perhaps a bit of sorrow for not trusting God in the beginning. I wonder what went through her mind when she delivered her son. Sarah was very human and the interesting and encouraging thing I find from her story is that she tried to do things her own way at first. But now the thing that was always going to be given to her was taking place. Her fears were quieted by the overwhelming evidence that God keeps His word.

I thank God for the women in my life today who are examples of Sarah's daugthers. I've been fortunate to be raised by a strong and compassionate mother; I enjoy the friendship of two very unique and beautiful sisters. I'm surrounded by beautiful women friends who have overcome some incredible challenges in their single lives, marriages, families and just plain living life.

As I drove home thinking about how fortunate I am to know so many of Sarah's daughters, I was also thankful for Sarah's story. I get inspired by real women who choose to fully embrace the challenges and victories of life. This generation needs to know that Sarah's daughters are women of strength and character, not perfect by any means but learning to trust and believe together for our families and our lives. Thank you for being a woman in my life who I've seen overcome, who is faithful in the best way you know how to serve the Lord, to serve in a community of other believers and to live life to it's fullest. Thank you for being Sarah's daughter.

PS - One thing I learned and thought was interesting is that Sarah's name was first Sarai which means noble woman. Later God changed her name to Sarah which means princess. =) We grew up learning the Disney princess stories. Interesting that as a woman of faith, as a daughter of Sarah, you're also God's princess. :) Just a thought.