This
song "Say" by John Mayer moved me the first time I heard it. And I know exactly why it moves me when it's replayed in my Spotify mix today.
The idea that life can slip by without ever saying /doing the
things you wanted and needed to do and say with people is huge. Sometimes we can
walk through life with a closed heart toward people and not realize
that's what's happening. In light of our maximum life blip ( 80 or 90 years), I think it was my
dad's life in jeopardy over the weekend that brought me back to these thoughts in this song.
There are some things we need to say and some things we don't. Say and do what's needed, please. I was reminded of another very good character quality in my dad. He has demonstrated "say what you need to say" over the years for me. I love, respect and admire him for it.
It was probably about eight years ago when my dad came to me (actually to each of
one of us kids individually) and apologized as our father. He
apologized for "not being a good father". I was like,
wait, what? How
was he not a good father? What he meant by that was that he
was always working full time to make ends meet and got impatient with his big, growing family. Now he
was regretting it because he wasn't really home when we were around to
help mom "raise" us. I also don't think he really knew how to relate to
daughters. He grew up with brothers and besides my mom, really didn't
know what to do with us of the female gender. But in this moment, He
wanted to know.
Was there anything still between us? If so could we talk about it and begin to resolve
our issues with him? Wow. Talk about being completely vulnerable, living
with an open heart. In that moment, he was the embodiment of that song.
My dad, who was absolutely trustworthy, a very hard
working man, who let my mom be home to care for us was asking for healing, was saying what wasn't being said. My dad who tried to connect with me - tried to
take me to the movies or to go play tennis with him was asking for my apology for where he fell short. I was such an angry child and still trying to figure out some
things, that I think I made it really tough for him too. And even though my anger was that I had some negative experiences
with men who were supposed to be trustworthy, I was figuring it out on
my own and not getting very far. There's a question in every girls heart
that she's hoping her dad will answer in a holy, godly way. The
question of being beautiful, being desirable and respected as a
daughter. My dad tried to answer that in his own way but I had my own personal issues from other things going on as a kid that I really didn't allow him to answer that.
Just
before my dad asked this question eight years ago, I had been on a
journey as a Christ-follower where Christ did some deep healing in my
soul. I realized so many things about these experiences when I was young
and I was able to forgive and move on in my life. This self revelation
and the revelation that Christ truly paid the price tag of pain from all the others and helped
me process healing, forgiveness and bring me into more authenticity with
myself and others. Christ healed my heart and encouraged me to open my
heart again.
In 2008, when my dad started having some health problems, I was
in Budapest, Hungary and no longer felt it was time to be
doing things so far way from family and on my own. And in this decision, there are some things that were said and done. For me in this moment in life, their life and their well being
became very important to me. I was saying with my life that they were important and I didn't want to miss out on it. Most of life is just daily life and daily living. But looking back it's always those little things and moments that count. I pray they have some good years in these
days that are farther away from their youth and closer to heaven.
That's one thing I love about all four of my siblings and our
spouses. Each one of us are saying and doing
what needs to be done in this moment to bring support.
I guess I had
some things to say about my dad today. In general, here are some words
to describe my dad:
Loving, witty, disciplined, brilliant,
faithful and fair, persistent, hard-working, responsible and honorable,
and the list goes on. Because of the way he has always treated my
mom
and us kids, he set the bar high for his daughters to marry good men of
honor in their own right. His character has always been strong. I
greatly love and respect him for it. Thank you Jesus for a very good
dad. May you extend his quality of life to this man who showed my mom and his kids some things about your character
through His life. His life isn't over and we do pray for complete
healing as we go in this journey.
